Heresy of the Month

I Like My Women Like I Like My Coffee, Dark and Strong

I have taken WAY too much time off from blogging.  I was at a conference in Chicago, and then I had to move all of our stuff out of our church building, a soon-to-be-blogged-about adventure.  In the middle of that, Sunday was my wife's birthday!  She turned 29 (deja vu).

Teresa and I met in 1991, when we came from two different parts of the country.  She is the daughter of Cuban physicians, political refugees from the Cuban Missile Crisis.  She moved around a lot as a girl, but they eventually settled in Atlanta for her high school years.  She was the youngest of 4 children, all of her siblings being at least 9 years older than she.  Teresa had a brother, Raul, who filled her with a passion and obsession with theater and music.  He was one of the founders of the Atlanta Shakespeare Company, and he was brilliant and wonderful.  I had the privilege of meeting Raul before he died of AIDS-related causes in 1992.  Because of Raul's work of indoctrination, Teresa loved fine art, gourmet foods, hand-made furniture, Broadway, ballet, and meals that require a minimum of 5-6 forks.  She went to Villanova University in Philadelphia, where she studied Theology and Theater (theoretically incompatible, but identical in praxis).  She was in a sorority, enjoyed rowing competitions, and drank fine wines.

Then she met me, a hick from Wisconsin, who flunked out of college twice (UWGB and NWTC.  I believe, to this day, I am the only person in history to flunk out of both of those schools), loved the Green Bay Packers, had a jean jacket and a ferocious mullet, drank cheap beer by the gallon, considered Led Zeppelin to be classical music, thought those 3D pictures at the mall were fine art, fished constantly, played drums in a Motley Crue cover band, and loved meals that involved meat, cheese, deep frying, and no forks whatsoever (if the whole meal was deep fried meat and cheese on a stick, it was orgasmic).  Teresa did not like me.

We met on a Catholic missionary team, called NET (National Evangelization Teams).  Click HERE to go to the NET Ministries Archive Page, scroll down to Team 5, and click on the picture.  It will expand with our names.  Teresa is standing right in front of me in the picture.

I was going to post it here, but if you want to see a bad, early-90s picture of me, I'm going to make you work for it.

We toured the United States and Canada with our team of 11 people packed in a single van.  We received $75 per month (which we had to raise, ourselves, in sponsorship before embarking - God, I love ministry), and we were permitted a small suitcase, a backpack, and a sleeping bag.  We did hundreds of retreats and conferences in a nine month period from 2011-2012.  There were 10 teams in all, and I ended up with Teresa on my team.  From day one, she hated me with the intensity of a thousand suns.

She was this fiery Latina Woman.  Yes, I capitalized the "W" on purpose.  She was the most overwhelming, untamed creature I had ever seen.  She was this vortex of unbridled, feminine fury.  She had a glorious mane of curly, midnight-black hair, which radiated around her beautifully tan face like a halo of wickedness and doom.  She had the deepest brown eyes, so dark as to almost be pure onyx, and teeth so perfect and white, they were difficult to gaze upon.  She was voluptuously curvy in all the right places.  She was power, passion, fire, and storm in human flesh.  When God imagined Woman, Teresa was the picture.  She was better than deep fried ribs on a stick.  She was better than many kegs of Busch Light Draft.  Teresa, for me, was pure indulgence, luxury, and temptation.  I knew, immediately, that this Woman was my undoing.

We fought.  Constantly.  I was totally drawn into her, but I wanted to simultaneously strangle her.  Every nasty comment from her was met with a return shot from me.  Cuba vs. Poland.  Two communist-oppressed powerhouses of stubbornness meet in the fight of the century.  It went on like that for a long time.  It was bloody, and it was brutal.

NET was a very conservative Catholic organization, with all the beauty and the baggage of the traditional Roman Church.  Don't get me wrong.  I loved that year of ministry.  We need to always be honest though.  When the time came, on Valentine's Day weekend in 1992, for me to briefly leave the team for the weekend to help my youth pastor from home with a retreat, NET wasn't going to let me go alone.  I "needed support", because of the liberal Diocese of Green Bay.  They might lead me astray.  There were no romantic or exclusive relationships allowed on NET.  This actually made sense, because we all had to live together in community for the year.  Romance and break-ups would not be conducive to having all of us live in the shalom of Christian, brotherly love.  So, they wanted to send one of my "brothers" from my team with me.  However, our team was scheduled to do a retreat for an all-boys high school, so they were all needed there.  NET had a problem.  They couldn't send a man, because they all had work to do.  They couldn't send a woman, or we might engage in hanky-panky.  They couldn't send me alone, for fear of apostasy.  Wait!  I know what to do!  Send Teresa with him!  Those two can't stand each other!  Perfect.

We fell madly in love.  Well...I did, anyway.  I went to lunch with my mom and brother, afterward, and I boldly announced that I have met the Woman who is "The One".  My mom told me I was always so dramatic, and to eat my vegetables.  Not to be deterred from my passionate pursuit, I went back to my host home and prayed about what God wanted me to do about Teresa.  May as well try God.  I played Bible Bingo.  It's kind of like using the Bible as a Magic 8 Ball.  Here are the basic rules:

    1)  Close Your Bible.

    2) Ask God a Question.

    3) Pop Open Your Bible To a Random Passage.

    4) Read Whatever First Catches Your Eye.  That's Your Answer*.

    * NOTE: If you open to a passage on the proper, Kosher castration of bulls, return to Step 1.

Now, this method is not advisable if you are a scriptural literalist, or if you want any kind of a real, meaningful answer from the True God.  So, I embraced this practice frequently, with mixed results.  But, this time, I hit Pay Dirt!  My Bible fell open to Psalm 37:4: "Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will grant you the desires of your heart."

Awesome!  The next day, I took Teresa aside from the team, took both of her arms firmly in my hands, looked deeply into her endless eyes, and proclaimed my love and intentions: "Teresa, I am in love with you, and I'm going to marry you one day!  We can't do anything about it now, because it is against the rules of NET, but as soon as this year is finished, I plan to pursue you and marry you!  Isn't that great?!?"

Teresa responded, with a shocked look on her face, "I can't believe you said that!  That's so inappropriate!  Now, shut up, and get out of my face!"

Not to be deterred from my passionate pursuit, I continued to wait and pray.  God had promised her to me.  I was crazy about her!  I couldn't get enough of her intoxicating Womanness.  She was dark, brooding, and hilarious.  She made me want to read more, go to the ballet, and eat something with a fork!  I wanted to try a drink that wasn't featured on a NASCAR vehicle!  I was changing, just being near her.  There were three aspects of Teresa that especially grabbed me.  First, as I stated earlier, was her powerful femininity, brilliant mind, and fatal beauty.  She was a force of nature that I couldn't avoid.  Secondly, I couldn't sell her.  I was always selling people on me.  I was always looking for people to buy into me.  I could charm, persuade, and motivate people to think I was awesome.  I could even sell myself on me.  Teresa never bought it.  She saw through me from the beginning.  This unattainable nature made me crazy and made me want her all the more.

The third thing was, by far, the most irresistible, attractive factor for me.  I have never seen this in a person before or since.  It was her Voice.  Yes, I capitalized the "V" on purpose.  When God imagined singers to raise their voices in worship, Teresa's Voice was the picture.  When she first led worship, I had never experienced God in such a way.  Her voice transported me to the very Throne of Jesus, and I fell on my face in awe.  It's hard to explain.  There are people who may be better technical singers.  That's fine and good.  I am not even arguing that Teresa is the best singer in the world.  There is a nuclear fusion of all of Teresa's passion and fire, her heartbreak and rage, her dreams and secret hopes, and her intimacy and vulnerability, that enters her audacious, smoky, rich voice and creates an almost elemental, physical substance.  When she sings a regular song, it's always really good.  But when she gets into that place of intimacy with the Almighty, then something entirely Other is unleashed.  You take off your shoes, because you are suddenly on Holy Ground.  You fall on your face, because the Presence of the Divine is so heavy as to not allow standing.  Teresa's Voice seems to be like catnip for God.  God's delight in Teresa is tangible in that moment.  It may seem like I am exaggerating, but many people have said similar things to me.  It is actually like God breaks into the space/time continuum, and God has to squeeze, because of the immensity of God's Presence.  Then you feel like this is kind of uncomfortable, because Teresa and God are meeting, binding, and connecting in an intimacy that can only be compared to accidentally walking into a honeymoon suite of another couple.  When Teresa goes to that place, I always feel like an intruder, yet privileged to be permitted to be present in such intimate union.  I also got the sense that she welcomes people to come with her into this space, but has no care whether they do or not.  She is going, even if she goes alone.  I find that so refreshing in a church world, filled with a surplus of cookie-cutter, superstar worship leaders who seem more interested in posturing, appearing cool, and getting recording contracts, than in the Presence of God.  I wanted to never attempt to approach God without that Voice to carry me, ever again. In my own quiet time, I could get within sight of God.  But, Teresa's Voice picked me up and set me on God's lap, with his arms around my whole self.  For a guy who has no memory of ever being hugged by, or just held in the arms of, a fatherly figure, this was the most exhilarating and wonderful experience of my life.

You see, Teresa has a special place in the heart of God.  You just get the sense that God is really fond of her.  She's His treasure.  I have that kind of feeling for both of my daughters, but my love pales in comparison.  It just seems like God would do anything for her.  She has Him wrapped around her finger. 

Tragically, she suffered sexual abuse as a very young child, at the hands of two trusted family members.  To make matters worse, no one advocated for her.  They all acted as if she was lying.  Her little heart was crushed, her trust ripped from her.  She could never be vulnerable with a man again.  She would love people, but she would never let them in.  Men would only want to penetrate her, and women would only betray and abandon her.  Sexual intimacy was very difficult early in our marriage.  We would be in the middle of making love, and she would have a flashback to her abuse.  She would be looking at me lovingly, and suddenly her whole countenance would change to one of horror, as her mind would be filled with the images of her past.  I wanted to help her feel safe.  I wanted to give her security.  I made her promises that I would.  Every time that would happen, my heart would rip.  I could intellectually understand that it wasn't about me.  Yet, at the same time, it was my eyes she was looking into with her own expression of pain and fear.  I wanted to be sensitive to her and to care for her, but I couldn't help but feel terrible about myself.  For years, I couldn't break that wall down.  I finally had to give up trying to be her savior.  I could not be the one she met in worship, which was the only time I ever saw her be completely, emotionally naked and vulnerable.  I had no right to replace Jesus as the object of her devotion.  When I stopped being jealous of God, and I gave up trying to replace Him in her heart, I was set free.  Then, her worship of God set her free to be real and truly exposed with me.

It didn't happen overnight.  It has been a long process, and it has been bumpy at times.  In fact, now she enjoys our sexual intimacy much more than I do.  It's not that she has gotten old and undesirable.  She is still the same force of nature she always was.  As a matter of fact, I think she has become more beautiful and incredibly intoxicating through our almost 18 years of marriage.  Much to my chagrin, my medicine for my anger has given me some ... "issues".  My doctor was considering putting me on Viagra or something else.  Are you kidding me?!?!  Until recently, I was a middle-aged 12 year old!  In fact, I suspect they stole some of my blood to use as the formulaic model for drugs like Viagra!  Yet, despite my "setback", we have learned how to grow in intimacy in our marriage, because we were both in our proper place.  Neither of us was God for the other.  Once I was able to embrace that I wasn't her Savior, it somehow made me safer for her.  I was no longer delusional.  I could just be Bill, and I could just love her.

Her Voice is still her place of intimacy and vulnerability, and I love that.  She is wonderful, wise, brilliant, terrific, fabulous, sexy, brave, gorgeous, and  intoxicating.  She is even more of an indulgence and a guilty luxury than ever before.  She is the embodiment of God's lavish love for me.  I love her birthdays, because I just soak all day in the awe and wonder of just why God so delights in this Woman.  She has been entrusted to me, and that is not something I take lightly.  That is such an extreme honor.  I could spend three lifetimes discovering more and more about Teresa, and I would not even scratch the surface of all of the wonderful depth of God's love reflected in her.

You know what?  That night I played Bible Bingo and got Psalm 37:4, she was sitting in her host home a couple of miles away, praying about what to do about me.  She played Bible Bingo also.  She popped her Bible open, and what did she get from God?  Psalm 37:4.  Dude.  Cue "Twilight Zone" theme song.  God can even use bad hermeneutics to reach us.

I love you, Teresa.  Happy Birthday.  I hope that one day I can be at least somewhat worthy of the love, trust, and vulnerability that you have shown me.  You are the greatest treasure God has ever given me.  One last thing, my dear, precious love:  I was reading this over, and I saw a lot of really nice things that I said about you.  Wanna make-out later?

(After the Packer game, of course)

On John MacArthur, Ray Lamontagne, and Metanarrative

I have been thinking a lot of our story.  A post by Peter Eavis on the Not Religious Blog this morning was about this and got me obsessed.  What drives us?  What do we live for?  Reading Leanne's post from Monday made me realize just how big of a story she has lived already!  Being married, having twins, writing, and teaching full time, plus being Canadian, she already had my respect and admiration for her heroism.  Finding out, now, just how much she has truly lived, has catapulted her into my "Legendary" category!  She has been everywhere!

Look at the lives of most people.  Because of choices made, many arbitrary at the time, they are doing something.  They are filling some role.  But are they fulfilled?  Do they ever actually reach anything resembling the full potential of their calling and destiny?  Statistics I've read (though I don't really know how they get these), say that more than 90% reach the end of their lives, without ever really reaching their potential or their destiny.

As I have worked on getting in touch with whom I was truly created to be, I have realized that I have settled for less.  In my pursuit of health, I am more and more in touch with my potential.  I am capable of much, much more than I have ever allowed myself to believe in the past.  As we are running out of money, I am very tempted to go and do the dutiful, man-of-the-house thing of getting a practical 9-5 job, putting my writing on hold until "we are in a better place, financially".  Does that sound familiar?  Have you used that statement?

I have a resume that needs to be spiral bound.  In order to continue to be a pastor, I have needed to work a number of different jobs to contribute to the family dinner table.  "I've got to put food on the table!" is the mantra of almost every human being I know.  It becomes a very convenient and non-threatening escape hatch.  It protects us from intentionality in pursuing our dreams and potential.  That way, we won't make blood, sweat, and tears sacrifices, possibly for years, only to realize at the end that our self-perception was a delusion of grandeur.  I have found out who I really am, and I am unimpressed.  That is our fear.

I can be truly great.  I can do world-changing things for the Kingdom of God.  I am afraid of taking the risk to try, only to find out I am wrong.  I also don't enjoy living in the tension of being in over my head.  Bumping into situations where I cannot confidently say, "I've got this."  I want easy, effortless, and safe.  I quote scriptures to myself like, "My yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  See!  Jesus doesn't want me to experience tension.  Therefore, I won't, as an adult, go back to school to get my doctorate.  I would have to face being wrong about some things.  I would be challenged.  I would be surrounded by people who are smarter than I am.  I might find out I'm not as smart as I thought.

So, we play small.  We stay in a conservative city with a very small-town mentality.  A bigger city would eat us alive.  Here, I can sell insurance during the day, drink beer in the evening, talk about the Packers, compare professional quarterbacks with how great I was back in the day, regale my friends with tales of my own exploits on the "ole gridiron" in high school (which remains, through my 40 years of life, the peak of my accomplishments), go home to watch some TV with the fam, and go up to the cabin on weekends.  I wouldn't run into anyone smarter than I am on any day here.  I never have to worry about being challenged and stretched.  I subconsciously only choose people who are even less effective at achieving their potential to be my friends.  The world I have created for myself has no tension.  It is safe.  It is simple.  I've got this.  It is a smaller story and rather uninspired, but it is my story.

Jesus came to give us life to the full.  Why are we so scared to believe him?  Why do we carry a gospel that is so small?  John MacArthur, an influential pastor, recently blogged about, what he calls, the YRRs (the young, restless, and reformed).  He says that there is never a reason for a pastor or minister to drink beer.  If one does drink beer, one is obviously caving to the pressure of wanting to "be cool" and is compromising the gospel for the sake of catering to the secular culture at large.  Now, I agree with MacArthur that if a pastor's motivation for drinking beer is to "be cool", "be hip", or to "fit in", then that's pretty lame.  But, I love beer.  Beer is yummy.  I have a number of friends who are pastors and brew their own beer.  I love trying different micro-brews.  I started my church in a brewery, another thing that MacArthur finds to be insincere and sinful.  Look, I am not really offended by, or defensive about, MacArthur's statements.  Whatever.  I started in a brewery, because a friend owns it and let us use it for free.  I drink beer, because beer is a good, in and of itself.  Also, I grew up Catholic, and we just didn't have the evangelical hang-ups.  Again, none of that is the point.

When I hear a person make strong statements, with which I disagree, rather than just dismiss them out of hand, I like to see if I need to examine something in myself.  So, rather than just dismissing MacArthur as a religious zealot and a legalistic idiot, I need to see what, in me, may need examining.  My ultimate goal is obedience to Jesus.  MacArthur's statement doesn't ring true to me, but there is a chance that this is so, because of my own rebellion, rather than an error on the part of MacArthur.  So, I examine my own motives for starting a church in a brewery and for enjoying beer, which I stated above.  Those don't seem sinful to me.  OK, so maybe it's not the behavior, but what is behind it.  At this point, I ask myself, "What is this person, with whom I disagree, trying to protect with these statements?  What is the value behind the statement or behavior?"

In this case, MacArthur seems to be trying to protect the integrity of the gospel.  Well, that's certainly a good thing, right?  But then, we have to ask ourselves what is his interpretation of the gospel?  Is what he is trying to protect something worth protecting?  As I've often said, if something is truly true, it doesn't need defending or protection at all.  It will stand on its own.  Based on all that I have read by MacArthur, he seems to subscribe to a moralistic understanding of the gospel.  This is the "larger story" for which he lives his life.  This is called, in philosophical and theological terms, a metanarrative.  A metanarrative is generally defined as the bigger-than-us story that gives us vision, purpose, and direction for our lives.  It makes us.  It defines us.  It is our ultimate, transcendent, over-arching destiny that shapes our lives into the image of God for which we were created.

MacArthur's metanarrative seems to line up with evangelicalism as a whole.  This is rhetoric we have heard from Tea Party Conservative politicians, from evangelists, from conservative neo-reformed pastors, and from Bible-and-gun-toting homeschoolers.  This gospel can be summed up as this: "We were made good.  Eve sinned and made Adam sin.  So, we were now totally depraved and corrupt.  God sent his son, Jesus, to die.  He had nothing but hatred and wrath for us for our naughtyness.  When we killed his son, that made him feel a lot better about us.  We are still totally depraved.  Women are the "totally depravest" (as much as you can have degrees of total depravity), because they started it.  Now, however, God has nothing but wrath and hatred for us, until we say a special prayer.  That prayer doesn't make God stop hating us.  He is now willing to clean us up, not hate us quite as much, and let us go to heaven after we die.  That special prayer is a pledge to be good.  So, you are totally depraved, Jesus died, now, pray the prayer and stop sinning, so you can go to heaven after dying.  That is what people in this school of thought seem to profess as their metanarrative.

This is not a metanarrative at all.  It is an agenda.  It is a creed or set of beliefs and principles.  It may even be VERY strongly-held, but it is not metanarrative.  How can that story shape me and define my life?  "Behave"?  Really?  That's what Jesus gave His life for?  Remember, a metanarrative has to be bigger than the person.  It has to have the power to shape and drive the person.  It is supposed to be a treasure in a field, that a person would sell absolutely everything in order to buy the field to get the treasure.  Evangelicals have a small gospel.  It is a small story.  It has no value for shaping and defining our lives.  It will get me nowhere near my destiny.  A creature cannot be more powerful than the creator of that creature.  It is always subject to the will of the creator, because it owes its very existence to the creator.  In other words, this story of the gospel of sin management cannot be a metanarrative, because it is all created by people.  A metanarrative has to come from beyond us, in order to be bigger than we are.  Morality, politics, doctrine, rules, laws, principles, beliefs, and creeds are all human constructs. 

A metanarrative also has to apply to all areas of life.  When it doesn't, we suddenly have inconsistency and conflict. What if MacArthur met me in person, and he found out that I drink beer?  Yet, I am completely devoted to following Jesus.  I am not trying to be cool, I'm not young, restless, or reformed.  I am a walking contradiction to the script that his story of morality and good behavior gives him.  So, MacArthur now has to deal with his own inconsistencies and hypocrisy.  He has surrounded himself with people who all agree with him and practice the same principles, values, and agenda.  In other words, he has created a culture.  Now, the expectation is that MacArthur will preach legalistic morality.  He cannot do otherwise.  He is stuck. 

Let's imagine God visits him in a dream, showing him a large blanket coming down from heaven, filled with cans of Keystone Light.  He hears the voice of God say, "Take and drink!"  He can't do it.  He has, in a very devoted and committed way, done exactly what his culture expected of him.  So, in his zeal for protecting the integrity of his gospel, he has made himself larger than his own story.  He is the creator of his own god, so that god cannot redirect him.  Besides, he wouldn't accept the dream anyway, because he is conveniently a cessassionist.  He doesn't believe that anyone can have a prophetic dream today.  So, his small story has been built by him.  "God hates beer.  Stop drinking beer.  Go to Heaven."  That story, as a creation, cannot steer the creator.  In this reality, MacArthur has effectively compromised the integrity of his gospel by caving to the whims of his own culture.

A metanarrative, while giving us a sense of values and convictions, has to also have the power to make us do otherwise.  Without that power, it is simply an agenda or set of beliefs.  Saul persecuted Christians, killing them out of a strong zeal for his faith.  That's what drove him...until he was knocked off his ass by God.  Then God changed his name to Paul, a man who no longer had an agenda and strong belief system.  He now had a destiny, a purpose, and a larger story, not created by himself.  It was given to him by God.  Saul with an agenda became Paul with a metanarrative.  Notice that it was God who gave that to him.  He could not do it himself.  Notice the name change.  Our metanarrative is our identity.  Our identity comes from God.  When he became Paul, he no longer cared for his own life.  He counted it all as loss for the sake of this larger story.  Abram just wanted to get laid and have a kid.  When he discovered the larger promises of God over his life, he became Abraham and began living a metanarrative.  Jacob was a conniving little weasel, until he wrestled with God, received his unique blessing, and became Israel.  Simon was a zealot who wanted to see the violent overthrow of the Romans, until suddenly he grasped the identity of this carpenter that he followed.  Stripped of his agenda, he became Peter, the man with the metanarrative of being the rock-solid foundation of the global church.

This was not the story of sin management.  It was the story of life to the full - of seeing the Glory of the Lord in the land of the living.  It is the Gospel of the Kingdom come and coming.  It is not dying and going to heaven.  It is about Heaven coming down and transforming all reality.  We have to prepare the way of the Lord.  That is our destiny!  Each of us were uniquely designed to take part in that.  There is something that only you can do.  No one else on the planet can accomplish it.  It will require all of your resources, energy, skills, talents, and even your life.  Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains a grain of wheat.  If it dies, it grows and bears a harvest 100 times its original potential.  That means we have to die to our desire to remain safe.  We have to die to our desire for comfort.  We need a larger story that compels us to live in the tension.  My yoke is easy and my burden is light becomes very real.  Why?  Because if it is a true metanarrative, we don't die grudgingly.  The man who bought the field with the treasure did not grumble or complain about selling everything.  It is all joy!  It is a celebration!  All of that stuff was in the way of him getting that treasure.  He counted it all as loss for the sake of the treasure.  Once we learn to embrace Jesus and die to the rest, we are transformed, not into people who behave themselves, but into people who are truly great.  We live life to the full by living every moment in light of the Gospel of Jesus, by which we fulfill our destiny.

While writing this, I am listening to Ray Lamontagne and the Pariah Dogs.  I love his music.  He has a great song about wasting life by not risking and looking for a larger story.  It's called "Old Before Your Time".  I wanted to share the lyrics with you in closing:

 

Old Before Your Time lyrics by Ray Lamontagne And The Pariah Dogs

ALBUM: God Willin' & The Creek Don't Rise (2010)
List of Ray Lamontagne And The Pariah Dogs Lyrics

When I was a younger man lookin' for my pot of gold
Everywhere I turned the doors were closin'
It took every ounce of faith I had to keep on keepin' on
And still I felt like I was only losin'

I refused then like I do now to let anybody tie me down
And I lost a few good friends along the way
I was raised up poor and I wanted more
And maybe I'm a little too proud
In lookin' back I see a kid who was just
Afraid, hungry and old before his time

Through the years I've known my share of broken hearted fools
And those who couldn't choose a path worth taking
There's nothin' in the world so sad as talking to a man
Who never knew his life was his for making

Ain't it about time you realize? It's not worth keepin' score
You win some, you lose some and you let it go
What's the use of stacking on every failure another stone
Till you find you've spent your whole damn life
Building walls, lonely and old before your time

It took so long to see
That truth was all around me

Now the wren has gone to roost and the sky is turnin' gold
And like the sky my soul is also turnin'
Turnin' from the past, at last and all I've left behind
Could it be that I am finally learnin'?

Learnin' I'm deserving of love and the peaceful heart
I won't tear myself apart no more for tryin'
I'm tired of lyin' to myself, tryin' to buy what can't be bought
It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin
Cryin, growin' old before your time
Cryin, growin' old before your time

Counteracting the Karaoke Society

So, how do we follow Jesus in a Karaoke society?  Since I hate when writers and leaders present all of the problems without any solutions, I won't do that.  But it's not as simple as "The Four Steps to Bringing Creativity Back Into the World for Dummies".  I think our path to finding some possible solutions to this problem begins with understanding why we have the problem in the first place.

I have been reading an excellent book by Edwin Friedman, titled: "A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix".  I highly recommend the book.  It has utterly revolutionized my thinking on leadership and authority.  In the book, Friedman talks about how there is a real problem in all leadership training throughout the world.  Leaders go through all kinds of training and read all kinds of leadership books.  When they face, what Friedman calls "sabotage", they fold and surrender their authority.  That sabotage is usually in the form of actual, conscious attempts by those being led to undermine the authority of the leader.  He says that the traditional methods of training fail, precisely because they are too linear.  The leader makes a decision.  This leads to certain consequences.  Either those being led will agree or disagree with the decision.  The leader then must move forward.  People will either fall in line or they won't.  Real life doesn't work that way, and it certainly isn't linear.  In the book, Friedman says that every decision is a defining of the leader.  When the leader makes that decision, s/he becomes more defined and stands out more from the crowd.  That changes the relational dynamic between leader and others.  This change causes tension and dissonance in the person being led, because change always does that.  So, every decision is met with sabotage.  The leader, who has been trained in only in causality in leadership, then sees all sabotage as a personal betrayal.  It usually comes from the people closest to the leader, because they have more to lose in the changing of the relational dynamic.  So, not wanting to have a friendship broken, the leader crawls back into his/her hole, licking wounds, and trying to decide if it's worth it to try to ever make a decision again.  According to Friedman, it is not about cause and effect.  It is about the organic presence of the leader.  It is about the willingness of the leader to always expect sabotage from those closest to themselves, and to deal with the core fear and uncertainty that the sabotage represents.  In so doing, the leader becomes more well-defined, the decision stands firm, and perhaps the relationship grows stronger through the displayed efforts toward intimacy.

I have not finished the book, yet, but I think the problem Friedman points out is the issue that is at the heart of the Karaoke society.  We don't want people to step out and be creative, because the dynamic changes.  If an actor is repeatedly making great films, s/he will remain in obscurity, because it makes the general public begin to want great performances all the time.  That means that no one will pay to see a film like Hangover 2 ever again.  There is a vested interest on the part of the entire culture to keep creativity and real art out of the limelight and in the margins.  Raised expectations would destroy our ability to be lazy and money-hungry in our art.  So we sabotage the creative ones who start defining themselves.  We want to keep the status quo.  Really creative people force us to no longer be satisfied with the status quo.  We start to long for something greater than ourselves.  We see that we, as the human race, have the potential for much, much more.

So, how do we resist the increasingly Karaoke culture?  How do we turn it around?  Our level of success in being counter-cultural, our level of creativity and intelligent accomplishment is directly proportional to our level of risk-tolerance.  God has created us to be who we are.  EXACTLY who we are.  God made me big, loud, and obnoxious.  I've said this before, but there is a destiny for me, designed by God, that which only a big, loud, and obnoxious guy like me can possibly be the one to accomplish it.  That means God wants me to be defined as me.  God likes me.  No matter how much the larger culture wants to limit me, because I don't fit the Karaoke mold, I was made for such a time as this.  I know that being me will bring some backlash.  I expect it, and I embrace it.  When it comes from people I love, I will embrace them.  I know there is so much more that God wants us to experience in this beautiful Creation, and I refuse to settle for only what the culture tells me I can have.  I never gave the culture permission to act as a gatekeeper for me.  So, why should I allow it do have that power?

The reason why we abdicate our personal power and authority to the cuture is out of fear.  We have an obsession, especially in this country, with safety.  We want to always be safe and secure, don't we?  We want to keep our children in a bubble, so that they never get hurt and never have to work really hard at anything.  They should have what they want, their dreams should come true (according to Disney), because they are entitled to it.  As long as they fit the Disney formula, they will get it.  We want to be absolutely, positively sure that we are 100% safe on every flight we take.  We want to anticipate and manage risk.  We want fire safety, toy safety, food safety, drug safety, gun safety, travel safety, financial security, prenuptual agreements (so that even our marriages have controlled risks), internet safety, and school safety.  We want to eliminate bullies (because our kids won't ever have to face bullies as adults, so why empower them to do so now?).  We want to blame McDonalds for the obesity of our children, to blame the schools for not raising them right, and to blame school lunch programs for our kids drinking 10 cans of soda a day.  We want heat in the winter and air conditioning in the summer.  We want to always control the temperature, the conditions, and the people around us.  We want to never, ever face discomfort at any point in our lives.  And, furthermore, we don't want the inconvenience of having to pay taxes to make sure we have all of these comforts.  I have news for you and for every person living in the United States: None of us gets out of this thing alive.  I promise you, regardless of how many measures you take to protect yourself, this life is going to kill you.

That's the truth!  You assume a certain amount of risk just getting up in the morning.  And, as I told the group last week, the idea of risk management is a myth.  It's fantasy.  As a matter of fact, look up risk management on Google.  You will see that almost every major published Economist has written a paper recently, saying that our current financial disaster is the direct result of the false belief that risk can be anticipated and managed.  It's a joke!  We're all screwed!!

Not really.  We just have to remember what Jesus always said to the disciples: "Do not be afraid".  We also have to remember that He hardly ever said, "Be really, really careful.  Be safe.  Manage risk."  I think he is quoted as saying that in the NWST (New Wall Street Translation), but maybe it was only in the notes of the Investors Devotional Bible version of that translation.  But, I digress.  The best part of what Jesus DID say (Do not be afraid), was that usually Jesus, himself, was the one who had caused the disciples to feel fear, tension, and anxiety in the first place!  Jesus was awesome at messing with their feelings of comfort.  As soon as they thought they were starting to get that this guy was really the Messiah, he started talking about dying on a cross.  He changed all of the rules of what being a Messiah meant!  When Peter corrected Jesus on that issue, Jesus called him Satan.  This was right after telling Peter that he would be building the Church on him.  Jesus was always causing cognitive and cultural dissonance, as Ken Wilson pointed out to us at the Vineyard National Conference.  Every encounter with Jesus results in our discomfort.  This is absolutely counter to the Karaoke culture's dogma of predictability, safety, and comfort above all else.

I remember, as a kid, playing with real Jarts,  the ones with the super-sharp, rusty, metal points on the end.  We used to all stand in a group and throw a jart straight up in the air over our heads.  The one who would win that game was the one who would run away last.  It was like a great game of chicken!  We had to see how long we could stand being under a deadly projectile plummeting directly toward our heads.  How awesome!  Being a kid was so much fun back then!  I have no idea why they made those illegal.  We would ride our bikes all over town in the summer, refusing to come home until our parents sent the police looking for us.  We would go into old, abandoned houses, making up ghost stories about the family that had lived there, until they were slaughtered by Jason or Freddy.  We would explore the forests near our house and scare teenagers who were making out there.  We would play baseball in the park for hours.  We would go swimming in the nearby lakes and rivers.  We played full-on tackle football without protective pads or headgear.  For that matter, we also played tackle basketball, tackle soccer, tackle fishing, tackle chess, etc.  We would climb all over the car on road trips, unrestrained by seat belts or car seats.  My brother and I went by ourselves to a Chicago Cubs game at Wrigley, taking the bus and the "L", when I was only in middle school.  We were kings and queens of the world, and we ruled absolutely!  Then, we all got safe.

How do we fight a Karaoke society, I ask again?  We get unsafe.  We embrace the truth that Jesus wants us to feel tension.  All the time.  Jesus doesn't want us to be afraid, because fear freezes us.  But He also doesn't want us getting real comfortable.  He wants us to realize that many of the scriptures we use to comfort ourselves - like Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - were actually written by people who were later stoned to death, crucified, set on fire, or fed to lions for loving Jesus and being called according to his purpose.

So what did Jesus mean, when he told us to "count the cost" of following him?  I think that is the     central question here, because how we answer that question will determine whether we go along with the Karaoke culture, or we live free.  I have heard it taught as a cost/benefit analysis, in order to determine to what level we will follow Jesus - much like setting up two lists of "pros" and "cons".  This has led to a lukewarmness and a safety in being a Christian.  Churches have thrown away social justice (taking care of the widows and the orphans), because it is far too radical, risky, and inconvenient.  Then, these fools and hypocrites call all social justice efforts "heresy", so that they can protect themselves from actually having to obey Jesus.  In their cost/benefit analysis, Jesus would never call us to stretch ourselves by parting with our riches.  He wants us to be rich and comfortable in our first-class accommodations for our journey to the Streets of Gold.  As a matter of fact, in our cost/benefit analysis, Jesus would never want us to suffer and die, so lets invent a secret Pre-Tribulation Rapture, where we all get rescued before we get inconvenienced or suffer in any way.  No, when these people count the cost of discipleship, there isn't any.  It's all victory, safety, and glory - as long as you fit the formula.

Then, there are those of us who don't see "Counting the Cost" as a cost/benefit analysis at all.  I don't think Jesus intended for us to set up pros and cons.  I think he's saying that following him will actually cost us everything.  It will cost us our lives.  We may even have our lives end in painful and uncomfortable ways.  Whatever you cling to the most, even if it's your own faith and set of doctrine, will be the exact thing that you have to surrender first.  Is it risky?  Absolutely.  What he calls us to will stretch us to the point of breaking.  Is he safe?  Haven't you listened to a thing I've said?  Of course he is isn't safe!  But he's good!  He's the King, I tell you!  Following him will cost you everything, but it goes way beyond the petty sacrifice of our lives.  His Kingdom stands over and against this world, because it is so much greater, more beautiful, more powerful than I am or that my life is worth.  Don't you miss the adventure and quickening of your spirit when you discover something greater than yourself?  Something actually worth dying for?  I want to be inspired again.  I want to be free again.  I want to break the rules and stop trying to calculate risk.  Then, when I am attacked, I use that to bring others with me into this "greater thing" that God is doing.

Following Jesus in a Karaoke Society

I'm back.  Things have been crazy.  I am building a new blog site for Heresy of the Month.  I am going to transfer all of this over to the new site, when it is completed.  I started this blog with the intention of just writing some of my thoughts down, as I wrestle with some things for writing a book on discipleship and following Jesus.  It is mostly a "Following Jesus in a Consumer Society for Dummies" type of book, on which I include myself in the "Dummies" category.  It is a book for people who are looking for a way in, without having to adopt the heavy yoke of cultural Christianity.  In other words, it is a book for people who are not currently Christian, or who were at one time, but have found that designation to have more baggage than it was worth.

All that being said, I have not been very intentional about this blog, because I was just using it to start to formulate and chew on ideas for the book.  I wasn't going to promote it as a thing in itself.  Then the whole thing took on a life of its own.  I suddenly found myself getting many emails thanking me for the content and thoughtfulness of the posts.  That was really cool, but it was very unexpected.  Now, when I don't post for a while, I get lots of emails asking me for another one.  We have had a lot of new people come and visit the church because of the blog.  I have been approached by job recruiters for writing and editing positions.  Electronic and print publications have contacted me.  Don't worry, none of this is going to my head.  It just has all been a little overwhelming, and  I am excited about it at the same time.  So, I have realized that I need to ramp this up a bit, and make it more professional, focused, and "for real".  I have been spending a lot of writing time getting things set up to build a more versatile and interactive blog site.  I will (hopefully) unveil it in a couple of weeks.

All of this leads to my post for today.  I have been thinking a lot about creativity and passion lately.  My friend, TamaraOutLoud, wrote an incredible post (she always writes incredible posts) about her liberation as a nerd, entitled "Nerd Is the New Cool".  You should check it out.  Her writing is awesome!  1980's AWESOME!  But this post was right in the wheelhouse of what I've been thinking about.  I talked about this at my training a bit last week, but I didn't have time to develop it fully.

We live in a Karaoke Society.  There is a great Ted Talk from Malcolm McLaren that inspired me, called "Authentic Creativity vs. A Karaoke Society".  You should check it out.  It is a great lecture that serves as a plea for moving out of this carbon-copy type of approach, that is so prevalent in our world today.

You see, that is the exact problem.  No one creates anything new anymore.  No one dares to try something risky and innovative.  Take a look at the performing arts as an example.  Once the formula was created for contest reality television by the producers of Survivor, every network and every producer kept stamping out carbon copies of that show.  Then, suddenly, reality shows come out about New Jersey, and then every network and producer wants to make a show with white trash from Jersey.  Madonna shocked the world, when she burst on the scene in the 80s.  Now, Lady Gaga is an absolute copy of the formula that worked back then.  Even her riffs and chord progressions are exactly the same.  If you don't believe me, listen to her "Born This Way", and then listen to Madonna's "Express Yourself" - same themes, same melody, same everything.  I didn't like Madonna's music, and I like the Lady Gaga shock, glam rock copy even less.  With "Dark Knight", comic book movies have broken into the cultural imagination.  There are 6 comic book movies being released this year, with many more slated for next year.  The massive production costs and problems of the Spider-man Broadway musical have not stopped them from believing in the miracle of the comic book formula.  I'm not really complaining about the comic book thing, because I love them.  I will see every one of those movies.  But I am making a point about our refusal to try anything new.

These contest shows, reality shows, pop music, crime shows, the Disney Machine, World Series of Poker, Lindsay Lohan, and all of the other pop culture garbage that is fed to us and our children creates a completely unrealistic understanding of the world.  It destroys our priorities and core values.  It sedates and innoculates us, keeping us from wanting more.

Just examining the American Idol phenomenon, one can see some very telling symptoms of a damaged culture.  A person no longer has to work, struggle, suffer, pay their dues, fight for what they want, go through years of poverty, or commit to pursuing their dreams.  There is no risk.  After a 12-week show, you will either have a music career, or you won't.  The contestants are crying, many of them only 16 years old, and they speak of the intensity of this "journey".  It's not a journey at all, but a sprint.  I liken it to giving a magic pill to a toddler that will make him or her into an adult in only 12 weeks.  The growing pains are intense, but they reach adulthood so fast, that the pain is quickly forgotten.  It sends a message to our children that nothing good is worth work and sacrifice.  All good things should just drop on your lap.  The statistics that less than 2% of all aspiring actors, musicians, artists, writers, or athletes actually "make it" professionally still hold true.  The talent show formula sends the massage that it is much more like 50%-75% make it.  We quickly forget about the hundreds of thousands that didn't even get an audition.  We can all be rock stars!  There's lots of room!  You don't have to work or sacrifice!  We'll give it to you!  The fine print says, "...as long as you fit our formula."  People who take risks and are uniquely, authentically creative get eaten up by the pop culture machine.  You conform to the formula, or you go to the artistic trash heap.

World Series of Poker has shown us that millions can be made from playing cards.  I have seen MIT grads who go from poker tournament to poker tournament, focused on winning lots of money, their heart's ambition and dreams long since forgotten.  They could be curing cancer, creating sustainable fuels, or solving global food and water crises.  Instead, they are immersed in a culture of greed, drugs, sex, and gambling.

Brilliant, potential computer engineers are wasting away in their mom's basement, playing World of Warcraft or hacking into servers to steal identities as a way to fund their worthless lifestyle.  They could be transforming medical technology to help doctors more efficiently work to heal patients.  They could be getting married and loving their families into life, raising beautiful, powerful, creative kids who take risks to better humanity.

If you are going to write a book about politics, it had better fit with either the Fox News formula on the far right or the MSNBC formula on the far left.  The only other option is to go so satirical that you are hilarious, but the vast majority of the population cannot grasp your esoteric delivery.  Your point gets lost to the masses in your satire.  This is the Comedy Central formula.  Whatever the case, you must be controversial and shocking.  Don't be a creative person with thoughtful suggestions for moderate step-by-step change.  Instead, its finger-pointing and shocking, "sky-is-falling" rhetoric that sells books.  Huge, sweeping generalities and lazy stereotyping save time and allow for a book to be written in days instead of months.  Why research, when American Idol has shown us that a book deal should be handed to you, because "YOU DESERVE IT!"? 

"Obama is the Antichrist!"  "Bush was a power hungry war monger!"  "Gays want to get married, so they can take money from hard working Americans!  In fact, everyone (except corporations - they're nice) wants to take the money of hard-working Americans."  "The GOP wants to kill unions, so that they can start a Nazi State in America!"  The generalities and stereotyping comes from both sides.  No healthy dialogue, just shooting back and forth.

If you want to sell a book about faith, it needs to be extremely controversial or extremely safe.  As we've seen with Rob Bell, you don't even need to publish the book to have people comment and fight over it, building unbelievable momentum and word-of-mouth marketing.  The book really wasn't that controversial, if you read it.  He didn't deny Hell or any of the other heresies of which he was accused.  I have never seen such incredible evidence of this Pop Culture domination as I saw in that whole fiasco.  I hope they do a study on it sometime, because it is a fascinating reflection of how religious leaders, like John Piper and others, have sold their souls to the consumerist, formulaic approach of culture.  Without even reading the book themselves (reflecting the lack of research and laziness I pointed out earlier), they opened fire on Rob Bell, helping him sell millions of copies more than he would have sold in the first place.  Bell's publisher is brilliant, releasing only the most controversial questions of the book.  The book, itself, was anti-climactic and boring, compared to the hype.  Those subscribing to the conservative, Christian formula created the perfect storm.  They continued to NOT read the book, for fear of being led astray, and they continued to publicly fire arrows at Bell, drumming up more interest in the book.  I have never before seen a situation where an author would want a particular group to keep not reading his book and to continue to critique it.  The earthquake in Japan and the Assassination of Bin Laden finally took the air out of those tires.  On the safe side, you can write a formulaic fluff book.  One of the best-selling books of all time, "Purpose Driven Life", fits in this category.  Warren is going in a great direction early in the book, seemingly going deep into who we are in God, only to resurface quickly, turning the book into an infomercial for his other "Purpose Driven" materials.  Osteen's "Your Best Life Now" is the perfect American Idol book.  It says that God wants to just pour out your destiny on you right now!  He came to give you life to the full right now!  It can all fall in your lap right now!  Absolute fluff.  It denies the reality of the vast majority of the population who have to work, sacrifice, and struggle for many years, for whom the movement toward our destiny is, in fact, a journey.

Look, here's my point (and, I believe, McLaren's point in his lecture), the Karaoke society celebrates the uncreative and the stupid.  We laugh at the girls from Jersey, and we think all people from Jersey are like that.  It's easier to make that assumption than to go and get to KNOW people from Jersey.  Eventually, the reality begins to reflect the fantasy.  People in Jersey begin to act and become like the people from Jerseylicious.  We are told by the culture how to behave.  We are given, and we accept, our identity, as it is given to us by the culture.  Will and Grace taught gay men how they should behave.  I know some gay men who are not conscious of their clothing and looks.  They work hard and enjoy sports.  But, now they not only have to battle with their sexual identity, but they also have to go through a cultural identity crisis.  As an Evangelical pastor, I am told by the larger culture that I should be unabashedly Republican.  I should fear and resent postmodernism.  I should be judgmental and publicly rebuke those who disagree with me.  I should never speak, unless I am 100% sure I am right.  I cannot think creatively.  Instead, I should parrot what everyone before me has said.  Ugh.

It is dangerous to take the risk and be creative.  If you stick your head out from the masses to be authentic and really you, you will immediately be met with sabotage.  We are supposed to remain stupid, because "Stupid is Cool".  We are supposed to sound incredibly clever (in 140 characters or less), while still remaining stupid.  If you have to work for something, it is not worth doing.  It is not meant to be.  It should be handed to you, like a winning lottery ticket, or it's not real.  I loved the Justin Bieber movie, and I am now a big fan of the Bieber.  I saw a kid who refused to join the Disney or Nickelodeon machine.  He literally rode around on a bus from radio station to radio station, playing his guitar for DJs and singing, just to finally get his shot.  He was fearless, dedicated, and driven.  One could argue that he has a carbon-copy sound, but at least his dream wasn't handed to him.

I have learned that the magic pill approach is detrimental to real health and character development.  If our whole life is a pop song, and the need for a "good hook to sell singles" is our focus, where is the authenticity?  Where do we find real creativity?  How can we be healthy, complete people with our identity in following Jesus?  I will do more on this in the next post, but I would love your thoughts.  Am I overstating it?  Is it true that our society tries to dictate our identity to us, or are we truly free to allow God to shape our future destiny?  How do we follow Jesus in a karaoke society?